St. Patrick's Day HUMOR ...

Some jokes and puns about the Irish...

-------------------------- Cow in hole

First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."

Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"

First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."

--------------------------- The best of health

" I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?" "No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

--------------------------- Tell me the way

"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?" asked the English visitor.

"Certainly Sir," said Patrick. If you take the first road to the left... no still that wouldn't do...drive on for about four miles then torn left at the crossroads...no that wouldn't do either..."

Patrick scratched his head thoughtfully. "You know, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all."

--------------------------- Atheist

Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.

"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."

--------------------------- "It's been a long day," complained Mrs. Murphy, " and I haven't sat down since I got up."

"Ah, that was a lovely dress," said Maureen, "and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it."

---------------------------- Double identity

Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

---------------------------- Sit down

Mick was late for the performance and as he tried to find his seat in the front row someone shouted, "Sit down in front."

"I can't," replied Mick. " I don't bend that way.'

"You know," said Mrs. O'Niell, "you could really feel the heat of that coat the minute you took it off."

------------------------------ In a minute

Shamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."

"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

------------------------------- Lucky

An item in an Irish newspaper on the murder of a man called O'Brien:

"The murderer was evidently after money but luckily Mr. O'Brien had deposited all his money in the bank the day before so he lost nothing but his life."

------------------------------- More life

Paddy was directing his first play and was not satisfied with the hero's dying scene.

"Come on," he cried, " put more life into your dying."

------------------------------- Come up

SOS for the deep sea divers of the Irish Oil Rig in the North Sea: Come up at once, your rig is sinking."

------------------------------- Stupid

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?"

"There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

-------------------------------- Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils.

------------------------------- Strange man

"Ma, there's a strange man at the door."

"Has he got a bill?"

"No, Ma, just an ordinary nose."

------------------------------- Anyone else

"Why won't you marry me?" demanded Paddy. "There isn't anyone else is there?"

"Oh, Paddy." Sighed Biddy, "there must be."

------------------------------- Borrowed lamp

Farmer O'Neill had been invited to supper by his neighbour Farmer Kelly. Expecting that his homeward journey would be dark, he had taken a stable lamp. The drink was not spared and the men sat long over their glasses.

O'Neill, however, reached home safely, guided by his lamp.

The next morning he received the following note from his friend:

"O'Neill, I am sending your stable lamp with bearer. Please return my parrot and cage."

--------------------------------- Biggest fool

Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.

At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."

"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

-------------------------------- Collect

Terms indicated in an Irish policy:

"The total sum will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself."

--------------------------------- Too crowded

Casey complained, "That new dance hall is crowded to the roof and all up the staircase. It's not to be wondered that people don't go there."

-------------------------------- Raising funds

The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mike offered his services.

About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.

Mike was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said.

"Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."

The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotallers in the parish, Mike?"

"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."

------------------------------------ Last coach

Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.

A porter came up with an idea. "Why don't we leave the last coach off!"

------------------------------------- Highest bidder

The Irish auctioneer shouted, "The highest bidder will be deemed to be the person or persons nominated as the buyer or buyers unless someone else offers more..."

------------------------------------- Can't diagnose

"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink."

"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober."

-------------------------------------- Noisy district

"This is a very noisy district you live in, Pete!"

"Sure and that's exactly the way it is. We only get any peace at all when the heavier trucks drown out the noise."

-------------------------------------- Drink is a curse

"Drink is a curse," proclaimed the Irish Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord....and miss..."

-------------------------------------- Money or Life

Riley was waylaid on his way home.

"Your money or your life," snarled the robber.

"Take my life," said Riley. "I'm saving my money for my old age."

--------------------------------------- Paddy's vest

"Have you seen my vest?" Paddy asked his wife.

"Sure and you have the thing on, you old fool," said his wife.

"Just as well you noticed," said Paddy, "or I would have gone out without it."

-------------------------------------- Telephone pole

A gang of Irish workers was sent to measure a telephone pole. Unfortunately their ladder was too short.

"Right," shouted the foreman, "we'll have to be laying it down on the ground to measure it."

"Don't be daft," said one of the gang. "It's the height we're needing, not the breadth!"

-------------------------------------- Stretch tights

Shamus joined a robber band and on the night of his first safe- cracking job the boss warned him, "Before we go through the window, you pull your tights right over your face."

Shamus said, "Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch as high as me neck!"

------------------------------------- Paddy's black eye

Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.

"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."

He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy.

A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.

"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.

He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.

"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."

-------------------------------------- Dog in bed

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.

"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"

#####

PUNS

1) During World War II, the captured Allied agents of Stalag 15 were attempting yet another daring prison break.

On this particular night, Major O'Roarke and Lieutenant Flanagan were chosen to try to cut their way through the bars of the East gate. They were hard at work when the siren sounded, and the floodlights caught them in the act.

As the German officer led them away, O'Roarke said, "We were so careful. How did you ever catch us?"

The German replied,"It's very simple. Somehow, I can always tell .... when Irish spies are filing."

2) Lura, the Countess of Killarney, was on a world tour with her husband, the Count. They were staying at an Intourist hotel on the edge of the Ural Mountains and were scheduled to begin an escorted horseback tour of the area early the next morning.

Lura had developed a good tan a month earlier on the beach at Nice, but now she noticed that it was beginning to fade. Not having anything scheduled after lunch, she took a blanket and wandered off in search of a secluded spot where she could touch up the tan a bit. Unfortunately,

Lura failed to realize that at high attitudes the rays of the sun were much more damaging than at sea level. Even worse, she fell asleep. She awoke, feeling rather uncomfortable. Dressing gingerly, she limped back to the hotel to have her husband assess the damages and the prospects for the morrow.

After one look he delivered his verdict: .... "Tour all Ural, Lura? Too raw, Lura. Lie."

3) Guglielmo Marconi, an Italian, is generally credited with the invention of radio. However, scientists from all over the world had to make contributions before radio could be a reality. For instance, an American Joseph Henry and an Englishman, Michael Faraday proved that currents in one wire could produce currents in another. Edouard Branly, a Frenchman, invented a devise that could receive Marconi's transmissions and ring a bell. John Fleming, an Englishman, invented the vacuum tube necessary to receive radio waves which was later improved by another American, Lee de Forest. But none of this would have been possible without a means to collect the sounds for transmissions. The common belief is that the microphone was invented by an Irishman. But this is purely a patent mike story.

4) An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.

Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my liltimg melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"

5) A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."

6) Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O'Grady's!"

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles from Dublin!"

7) It is common knowledge that the after the Romans conquered Israel, they renamed the country "Palestine" after a bastardized version of the name Phillistines. One of the legacies of that conquest was the spread of Israelites over the European continent, as the Romans had them rowing in the galleys, and then sold off into slavery in the Roman Empire. That empire stretched all the way up to Britain. It was there that the Roman's discovered that some of the Jews they had taken to be sold off as slaves in the upper realm of the empire were actually quite ill. The Romans had unknowingly rounded up the denizens of a leper colony onto a ship. The sickly people were banished in Britain to the western islands, the Emerald Isles. Though the Romans again bastardized a language and called them "leprechauns", back home in the Holy Land they were originally "leper Cohens".

Even Beatle Paul McCartney paid tribute to Britain's leper Cohens in the song "Yesterday"....... "I'm not half the man I used to be". And a beetle wouldn't pull your leg unless he was caught on your cuff. Believe it or don't, (By Guy Ben-Moshe)

8) Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

9) Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, A leprecohen told me St. Patrick was Jewish! (By Dave Aronson)

10) An Irishman proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real, she protested vehemently about his cheapness. "It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day" he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock." (Archives)

11) A government committee was formed to investigate the emergence of Ireland as a world financial power. After months of study and deliberation, they determined that it was due to the fact that the country's capitol was always Dublin.

12) Once upon a time there was a very happy family consisting of a father, a mother, and a little boy. He was a sweet little boy, very unselfish, always giving to others.

And when his birthday approached, his mother and father wanted to get him something he really wanted because they loved and appreciated him very much. So one day they approached him and asked him what he wanted.

To which he replied, *I want a rarie."

"A rarie?" asked his parents. They had never heard of a rarie. "What is a rarie?" they asked.

The little boy told them that it was a very small, furry animal, a cute, cuddly pet that he had seen advertised on television.

Well, the parents thought that a cute, cuddly pet would be an excellent gift for their son. They went to the local pet store and bought one. The boy was elated!

Well, the little rarie grew and grew and grew. He really grew! He got huge. And he got mean, too! Really mean! He bit people. He growled a lot. He was not a pleasant pet!

The family became very frustrated. Their happy little family unit was becoming very dysfunctional because of the hideous pet. They met together often to try to figure out what to do with it. Even the little boy didn't love the rarie any more. They plotted to kill it.

They finally decided to push it off a cliff. But they didn't want anybody to think they were mean. So they decided to push it off a faraway cliff, where nobody would know. But where?

After much thought and discussion, they decided on Mount Everest because the rarie had gotten so big it would take a really big mountain to push him off of to kill him. They wanted to be sure they were rid of him forever. He was about to ruin their close little family!

So off they flew. They took their hideous rarie up the mountain and pushed him off, to his death. And they lived happily ever after.

Even today, when people ask this family whether they should purchase a rarie or not, they reply no, you don't want to do that, you will just have to kill him when he grows up and gets mean, and ... it's a long, long, way to tip a rarie! (By Louise Brady)

13) Starknight looks up from his drink. "I have a confession to make; I was once in jail in Derry. The story of how it came about, though, is interesting...

"You see, one of my relatives (a 3rd cousin twice-removed on my mother's side of the family) was a landowner in Ireland. He had a small dairy, some pasture lands, and about 10 acres of crops. All in all, a nice little family business, except that he had no family, being a confirmed bachelor.

So, when he died, the farm came back to the family. "Now, somehow this distant cousin knew of me, and decided that I would be the perfect choice to handle the disposition of his estate. Personally, I think he liked my name. So I travelled to Ireland, to look at the farm and see what kind of assets Paddy had to distribute.

Arriving at Derry, I asked for Paddy O'Brien's farm, and was directed there by a helpful milkmaid.

"When I got to the farmhouse, I was greeted by an elderly gentleman with graying red hair and merry blue eyes. 'Welcome to O'Brien Manor,' he said. 'I am Darby, the houseman.' He proceeded to introduce me to the rest of the household and farm staff, and showed me to the office which Paddy had built on to the back of the house."

Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and Coke. "Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was I? Oh, yes, ...

Starknight pauses to take a refreshing drink from his rum and Coke. "Ah, that's better... Clear those yiors from my throat. Where was I? Oh, yes, just going into the office. Anyway, I spent the next two days going over the financial situation, which was bleak. The dairy equipment needed to be upgraded, the farm was deeply in debt, and the house mortgaged to the hilt. Clearly, I was going to have to liquidate everything in order to pay off Paddy's debts.

"However, I was a bit concerned about how the staff was going to take the news. The best way to break it to them, I thought, would be to take them all to a pub in Derry and tell them over a few drinks that they were going to be out of work.

So we packed them into the farm truck and headed into town. "In a pub called The Green Bough, we all sat down and had a few pints of ale. I really didn't want to tell them, but I knew I had to do so, and I managed to stand up and blurt out a few words before giving each of them their walking papers.

At that, however, a constable who had been drinking in the corner got up and approached the table. Taking out his handcuffs, he affixed them to my wrists while pronouncing, 'Yer under arrest, laddie - come along quietly!'

"Believe me, I was much surprised when .... the judge sentenced me to thirty days in jail for discharging an Eire farm within city limits..."

14) Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem".

The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."

The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look ...loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy..

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrot shooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

15) There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"

And Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."

St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"

#####

Reply to
Quiffie
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1) Standin belly up at the bar raisn he's mud to toast, a Limey said "Show me an Irishman n I'll show yer a coward." With that the soft spoken, 6'2", 220 lb Paddy Dugan said, Anm n Irishman.' Known he's dragon mouth had writtin a check he's sparrow ass could cash, the Limey said "Ahm a coward."

2) I had a girlfriend who was half-Scottish and half-Irish, She was a cheap drunk.

3) So these Limeys were on a crowded elevator and one of the losers told a well-used ethnic joke using the Irish as the brunt of the joke. When he finished, he looked taken aback by the absence of laughter and I said to him "If The Irish n the Americans have one in common, we both know the English are bloddy wankers." I then turned to the lone Welshman on the elevator n said Sir, I know you are not English." To wit he replied with a level of contempt, "Bloody right, Ahm not."

4) On a late-night train from the city on Saint Pat's day. an well oiled gentleman said loudy "It's great to be Irish." So I said to em "Say somethin in Irish." N he replied "Up the Rebels." Several of us stood raisn our walkers and replied "Up the Rebels."

5) There are many Irishmen who resent the notion that the Irish are drunks, N I know all three of em.

6) And then there was Father McNamara who railed against the English (not the Scots or the Welsh) in his every sermon. His bishop told him if he didn't stop, he would be removed. But the dear padre took no heed. But then one Sunday, he saw the bishop sittin in a pew. He tried hard to rework his sermon usin the Last Supper as a focal point. But in the end he could take no more. An Judas tuen to Jesus n said "It's blimey not me, govner".

Oh we're off to Dublin in the green, in the green with our helmets a glitterin in the sun where the bayonets clash and the rifles flash to the echo of a Thompson gun.

Up the rebels!

Dick

Reply to
Dick Adams

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