Grape Expectations The 'Sideways' oenophile's snubbing of Merlot and praise for Pinot Noir affected sales of both. Our columnist tests the wines for himself WEB EXCLUSIVE By Gersh Kuntzman Newsweek Updated: 5:01 p.m. ET Feb. 14, 2005
Feb. 14 - Many film snobs were happy that "Sideways" was nominated for Best Picture this year. It's a terrific movie, with juicy performances, robust side roles and silky nuances. And the actors aren't too bad, either.
With all due respect to Paul Giamatti, Virginia Madsen and Thomas Haden Church, the real star of "Sideways" is the wine. The movie-a buddy film in which two college pals go on a road trip through the wine country of Santa Barbara-is so steeped in wine terminology that you leave the cinema actually wanting to have a conversation with an oenophile (which we all know is a French word for "jerk").
The most important scene in the movie is when Giamatti's character, a failed novelist to whom I can really relate except that I'm not nearly as into wine, goes on a tirade against a particular variety of red hooch called Merlot. Even though he's about to hook up with a wine-loving babe, he tells his pal, "If anyone orders Merlot, I'm leaving. No going to the dark side." In a subsequent scene, the character, Miles, further distances himself from the Darth Vader of the vineyard by proclaiming his love for something called Pinot Noir-which, judging from the context, is a different grape.
The movie's surprise popularity (and Oscar nomination) has people saying that it's going to do for Merlot what Clark Gable's bared chest in "It Happened One Night" did for undershirt sales. Indeed, Reuters has reported that Pinot Noir sales are soaring while Merlot is tanking. So with the Oscars night less than two weeks away, and with millions of movie-lovers walking out of "Sideways" feeling hungover from all this obsessive wine talk, I set out to provide a valuable public service by doing some serious wine drinking. With the help of some of New York's best sommeliers (which is really another French word for "guys who pour journalists free wine"), I intended to get to the bottom of the Pinot Noir-Merlot debate and decide once and for all whether it warranted the word "controversy."
And here is my report: After three days of non-stop wine drinking, I have actually acquired a French accent. And my first conclusion is this: Ze wine, she is a mercurial lover. One minute, she iz seducing you with the earthy loaminess of her loins and oaken aroma of her underbrush, ze next minute, she iz indulging you with ze plummy depths of her fruity bosom, ze delectable wantonness of her concupiscence enveloping you with ze fruits from her tree.
In other words, wine is a big hoax. And I'm not even talking about that famous New Yorker story from a few years back that showed that many wine "experts" can't even tell a red wine from a white wine if they're served in black glasses. The main issue is that everyone tastes wine differently. Sure, the Giamatti character would have you believe that Merlots are all overly fruity, light-bodied booze that just want to please unsophisticated palates-the Golden Retrievers of the wine world-while the finicky Pinot Noir, a grape so delicate that it can only be grown in a few regions, is urbane and witty, like Fran Leibowitz before the smoking ban.
But a sommelier at one of the city's best steakhouses served me a French Vosne-Romanee Pinot Noir that I wanted to have an affair with (thanks to those "deep earth notes" and scent of "lead pencils"). A California version from the Melville winery might be Miles's wet dream, but I found it was too sweet. At another restaurant, the wine steward cracked open a Macari Merlot from Long Island (Long Island?!) that was great and an Oregon Pinot Noir that wasn't. In this taste test, the pinot was like the frat boy looking to score while the Merlot was the sophisticated stranger that hiked up her skirt ever so slightly from across a smoky bar on that business trip to Marseilles. And a third sommelier served me a California Pinot Noir that was so sugary and cloying that I could've sworn I was drinking a wine cooler, as well as a Togliano Merlot from Italy that made me want to become NEWSWEEK 's Vatican correspondent.
But all of the wine-ophiles admitted that Miles is simply wrong about Merlot. "He's responding to how Merlot became a trend," said Fred Dexheimer of BLT Steak (wine may be seductive, but this guy served me a hanger steak so good that I broke at least three Commandments during a brief, but frenzied, consummation). "For a while there, everyone was saying, 'Oh, I'll have the Merlot' or 'Can't go wrong with a Merlot' or just 'Merlot, Merlot, Merlot.' Merlot is a crowd-pleaser. It's soft, juicy and pleasant-and many vineyards make it to be soft and drinkable for the American public. But Merlot is a noble grape that can make the most stunning wine in the world." And then he mentioned a fancy Merlot called Petrus. I got the sense that I was supposed to nod knowingly, but I merely nodded. And he added that Katie Couric orders a French Merlot called Pomerol when she eats there (doesn't that violate drinker-sommelier confidentiality?).
At Bond 45, a new restaurant near Times Square, wine expert Melissa Shea did give Miles some credit. "Let's face it, most California Merlot is like Coca-Cola. It wants to be accessible." But then she served me an Arcadian Pinot Noir from Monterey County that was so bad that the Academy should deny "Sideways" the Oscar simply because this wine exists. Meanwhile, the Togliano Merlot pulled out a cigarette (even though they're illegal in bars!) and eyed me from across the room with a sly grin.
So what did I learn (besides the fact that it's very difficult to read my notes after a few sessions with the wine gurus)? Not much, as it turns out. As Troy Weissmann, beverage director at Beacon, put it, "There are Pinot Noirs that are fleshy and fruity, while others are spicy and oaken or even black plummy" (I gathered from his tone that these were all different things). "And the same is true for Merlots." But who cares? I, for one, would still like to thank the Academy for giving me the excuse to get bombed on behalf of my readers.