With the media full of stories about correct eating and drinking I thought I'd put together my own list of precepts on the subject. A slightly longer version can be found at (non-commercial)
Golden Rules for Gourmets
I. Thou shalt not frequent fast food outlets nor shalt ye dine in shopping mall food halls. The interior of a supermarket shall be as foreign and as mysterious to thee as are the workings of the electronic fuel injection system secreted within thine horseless carriage. Forsooth, thou must therefore cultivate a relationship with that dear little man, thy provedore, he whom shalt anticipate thine every need, and whom shalt look after thine own special dietary requirements.
II. In thy dwelling-place never shalt leftovers be seen on thy board, nor processed cheese, nor instant coffee, nor tea bags, nor dried pasta, nor margarine. For they are an abomination to thine stomach and will offendeth guests of superior taste.
III. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's domestic espresso machine. Yea! Even though it be the deluxe Gaggia with the built in bean grinder.
IV. Thou shalt never imbibe riesling from a Riedel Chardonnay vessel, nor burgundy from a Syrah chalice. Thou shalt however, sniff, swirl and sip every drop that passeth thine own lips, even unto Evian, or the lowliest quality of chlorinated water that springeth (as it were) from thine spigot.
V. Wine that is concealed from thine eyes, even inside a bag within a box, shalt never darken the steps at the entrance of thine abode, be it ever so humble. (Thine abode that is, – not thine chateau cardboard!)
VI. Thou shalt personally get to knoweth celebrity chefs and winemakers by the names of their first names and bow down unto them and droppeth said names to thine friends and acquaintances whenever thou deemeth appropriate. However, thou shalt never order anything from their costly menus without first thou asketh for a minor change... or two. (For it is told that so it is done in the gastronomic temples of the Wood that is called Holly.)
VII. Thou shalt occasionally describe to thine envious guests the liquid contents of thine subterranean, catacomb-like repository [Would that be a cellar? Ed.] down to the last firkin and amphora, and the current auction value thereof, unto the last dollar and shekel. (Though thou shalt be ever so discreet and duly modest whilst thou so doeth.)
VIII. Thou shalt drizzle only olive oil of the extra virginal kind on thy repast. And yet, be it ever so strange and seemingly contradictory, thine balsamic vinegar shalt be only that which is of the most ancient blend and origin. Moreover and likewise, ye shalt allow none but the flakiest of sea salts and the freshest of pestled black pepper to grace thine table.
IX. The bread that thou kneadest, bakest and breakest shall be sourdough rye, or a certified organic variation thereof. It followeth that thou shalt never defile thy platter with white sliced... even that which the commercial makers of loaves saieth is 'boosteth with the highest of fibres'.
X. Thou shalt slavishly follow the inspired words and sumptuary laws of chosen soothsayers liken unto Parker, Hay, Oliver, Dupleix. Even if such soothsaying receipts and reviews do sometimes so offendeth thine eyes, thy tastebuds and thy digestion that thou art driven, perforce, to shield thine vision, block thy nostrils with molten wax and tear out thine own tongue by its very roots.