Reuters
1 April 2006J. Murray Fefferman, worlds oldest winesalesman, has been captured and is believed to be under armed guard at a hunting estate owned by friends of the Vice President.
Mr. Fefferman escaped from a assisted living facility 4 months ago, before capture he was indicted for dry humping a 77 year old female, escape from custody, and intellectual theft and fraud(borrowing from Mel Brook's 1000 year old man.)
Mr. Fefferman tried to get a senior discount at Billy Bob Klemp's House of Sudz in a small hamlet, Helm, near Baton Rouge, when asked for some ID, he bolted our the door. Since a person of Judaic roots had never been in Helm, the bartender Tiny Abercombie suspected something was amiss since he did not see any horns protruding from Fefferman's forehead and called the State Police. Using a trained ferret, the State Police following the trail of discarded Metamucil tablets until they caught up with Fefferman. He was stripped searched and asked for any ID and was told he had none, when asked he told police he was born 187 BC in what is now Minsk. Overwhelmed the State Police called in Homeland Security. In accordance with new procedures within 24 hours Michael Chertoff had pictures of Fefferman which he compared to an artist's sketch of Abdul Moishe Rachmunis, a suspected terrorist, who uses his pant's zipper as a weapon. Chertoff was quoted "Close enough for government work" and arranged preliminary interrogation at the hunting lodge. Fefferman is slated for incarceration in Guantanimo and an expedited trial. Ramsey Clark has asked William Kunstler to represent Fefferman but the Justice Department obtained an injunction against any communication from Kunstler to Fefferman. When asked about the injunction an anonymous Justice Department said "Jingling Jesus, we don't even know if the guy's a citizen". Jerry Falwell has arranged for one of his classes to determine what other laws the alleged salesman has broken. A Presidential Aide said "The old coot is just the tip of the iceberg. We need to find out how he entered the US. The Geneva convention doesn't apply. We are feeding him a diet of fiber, to make him talk."
Pat Robertson has not recanted a remark he made when he thought the microphones were off "That Jewboy is gonna fry real good, we never should have let the first Heeb get off the boat. I always knew the first settlers were soft on the Christ Killers."
The ADA, ACLU, and Scout Troop 654 tried to organize a protest, but so far have not been able to interest anyone except their families.
More later.